STRUGGLING TO FIND MYSELF

Well hi to all of you and I suddenly realized something after reading my brothers and sister-in-laws blogs that we are alot alike. Although I have a very happy marriage sometimes no strike that all the time I feel something is missing. At 53 I'm starting to feel I don't know,whats the words I'm trying to say maybe a little insecure about myself. I too am in that second phase of my life and I too have always been that timid person that probably missed out on lots of things because of that. I want to change all that and open up have some fun try new things that I could possibly fail at but hey at least I tried right???? I miss my family and really all I have ever wanted in my life was to have a happy marriage be the best mom ever now grandma and enjoy my family. But for too much of my life I was controlled and made to do things I never wanted to do like not being able to keep in touch with my brothers and sisters. Why are there people that control us and why do we allow them too. you know day before our mom past away she begged me to come see her but of course I wasn't allowed. That saddens me beyond sad and infuriates me that I allowed that to happen. Then when I did get to see her she was in the hospital and I was called out to go home. Should of stayed I probably will never forgive myself or him for that. I know I will never allow someone to control me like that again and I guess thats why I love Robert so much he actually allows me to be me. Which as far as I can tell I am a pretty nice person. But for some reason I've become this jealous wife for no good reason other than I really haven't figured that out yet. Maybe its our age difference or something. And poor Robert all he ever does is try to make me happy which he does so why do I feel this way???? Now hes gone for 2 or 3 weeks and I'm miserable. I am working on that jealous thing and I think maybe I should do something other than just go to work. I'm not saying triathalon or anything because frankly I think that would kill me..... lol... but I need to focus on positives instead of negatives and enjoy this ride they call life. Anyway I love all of you guys and I am sorry I allowed someone to keep me away from all of you. Hope you will forgive me... take care and talk at you later